As much as no free-thinking woman wants to admit, most men love women who are the following:
- beautiful
- vulnerable and/or dependent
- feminine
- submissive
This isn’t to say they want a pushover girl, a wallflower, or a gold digger. There is a subtle balance in the way men and women desire each other, which boil down to our primordial mating instincts that want healthy partners, partners who we know have a stake in our survival together with their own, clear operating roles (whether these be gender norms or cultural stereotypes regarding how households run), and we want partners we can rely on.
Notice that my list did not include funny women, smart women, or well-to-do women. I know some men deal with so many types of awful women that they end up giving up the romantic search and wanting a best bud, which is when they start desiring personality, intelligence, or financial stability. If a man has not been put through the wringer, he does not care about those types of traits yet.
Common misconceptions I used to have:
- I used to think to get the men I wanted I had to be “one of the guys.” Big no no! Nothing is more unappealing than a woman who feels like your cousin or “some cool dude.” Most women don’t enjoy relationships with feminine men!
- I used to think that to get the men I wanted I had to get to know their hearts. Most men actually don’t like this. They feel like their space is invaded when you get too personal when you’re not invited. In fact, getting to know YOUR heart it isn’t a priority to them. Unless well timed and well contextualized, bringing up old feelings is just a wasted exercise. Men generally stand in the present and therefore care about present actions. If they are sentimental, they are secretly sentimental. A woman who tries to get too much into their heart before they’ve let her in is considered a “nosy” woman or a “typical” woman.
- I used to think that to get the men I wanted I had to drop everything or remain stoically single for them. Sorely mistaken! Men (and women) love challenges. This isn’t to say you need to play mind games. You just really shouldn’t blow out of proportion what is in front of you. Don’t confuse dating for a relationship, or a relationship for marriage. One date doesn’t mean you’re committed to the guy. If you’re not sure, ask. If you want to keep looking, then be honest and keep looking. Emotionally availability is a turn off in a lot of cases. For instance, who would you rather want to be around: the person who has a busy schedule because everyone loves him and wants to see him, or the guy locked away in his room because he has no one and nothing to do? Your gut level response to this question will help you understand why men find emotional availability a turnoff. Men are creatures of acquisition, of hunting and gathering, of payloads.
- I used to think that to get the men I wanted all I had to do was be smart and funny. If this isn’t true for women, it isn’t true for men! A woman would rather have a man who is smart, funny, and a looker versus one who is just smart and funny. This is a reality that is difficult for arrogant, unattractive people to get over. Maybe arrogant is the wrong word. The right word might be situationally unaware. When you look deep inside of yourself, your perfect match is rarely an unattractive mate. This isn’t to say you should go and get butt implants and cake on layers of makeup. But look good and feel good! If you’re self conscious of being overweight as a barrier to getting someone to notice you, exercise! If your style is frumpy, experiment with new fashions! If many people start complimenting your new haircut, understand how it compliments your face.
- I used to think that to get the men I wanted I had to hide my feelings and play games. DO NOT PLAY GAMES. If you think the man you want likes playing games then maybe you shouldn’t deal with him! Be real. Don’t laugh at jokes that aren’t funny. Don’t hide your doubts. Don’t worship aspects of him that you don’t like.
Around my mid 20s I suddenly garnered a lot of interest from the opposite sex. This was at the time when I wasn’t looking for attention. I would get asked out at the grocery store, restaurants, old classmates would message me and compliment me out of the blue. Why? It was at this time that I was happy just enjoying life with friends and excelling at my job. I wasn’t wondering when I would find “the one.” It changed my brain chemistry. It inadvertently made me more desirable.
So, if you’re worrying about finding love, don’t worry too much! Like all good things, you can prepare for the unexpected but you shouldn’t put your whole life on hold for it. And this goes without saying—maybe in your chase of other men, you’re not seeing the good men chasing you.
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